I was cleaning my house the other day, and just thinking about my life. My mind paused on high school, so I reviewed. I was home taught my first two years, and attended public school junior and senior years. As pleased as I am with my high school years, there are still a couple things that bother me. Maybe bother is too strong a word. I still randomly think about these things because...well, just because. They stand out as odd, I guess. There are three of them.
So I figured I'd write them down, and maybe I can just look at them as actual words and be okay with it so that years down the road I'm not still stopping on THAT ONE THOUGHT!! I hate those things. The same thoughts that keep coming back and back, no matter how hard you try to work it out and move on. So, here's me trying to work it out, and I don't exactly know how to start.
I suppose I'll start with Trish and Tara. After all, I had a dream about the two of them recently. Very unsettling.
They were pretty inseperable. The best of friends, and (I think) generally nice to people. But not to me. I could never figure this out. I was at a school where it didn't take much to be 'known' by all...you just had to be outspoken, wierd, in drama, or Mormon. Of the four, I was two and a half. I can NOT call myself wierd. Not in the way that would get me noticed at school, anyhow. That being said, let's move on. I AM Mormon (proudly), I was in drama, and I was *somewhat* outspoken. Of course, topic of conversation did matter as far as that last one went, as well as who's company I was in. But there ya go. That's me in high school in a very, *very* tiny little nutshell. Not popular, by any means, but then there wasn't a whole lot of that separation going on at my school. Or maybe I just didn't notice it. Blissfully unaware.
So here I was, moderately well known all over campus, and liked by all who knew me, with the exception of these two girls. For no reason that I could see. This went on through my junior year, and part of my senior year. They weren't cruel, mind you. Nothing like making fun of me, or any childish stuff like that. Just...I dunno. There was this palpable dislike they directed at me, without really saying much at all. Every now and then they would say something snobby, but not often.
But for me...well, I don't handle not being liked very well. Not at all. See, I AM a likeable person! I know this about myself. I befriend people, I serve others, I share opinion respectfully without overstepping bounds. I just am a generally likeable person. So when this dislike didn't go away, I was feeling hurt. So I finally did something about it.
No, I didn't go try to make the duo a trio, nor did I sit them down and cry about it. I wrote them a letter. Well, one of them. I still can't remember which one. Probably Trish, since I always remember her being more openly dislikeful.
Anyhow, the letter was short and said something to the effect of "I don't know why you don't lilke me. It hurts my feelings, but I've decided I'm going to just respect you and be nice to you no matter what and you can choose to be nice to me or not. I think you're cool, for what it's worth, and you're a good actress. I hope that even if we never be friends, we can at least be friendly." Not those words exactly, but that was the basic idea.
I realize, in retrospect, that this was probably not a 'cool' thing to do...more a middle school action rather than a high school one. But I was hurt and desperate, and the thing is...it worked! Almost immediately, these girls started being nice to me. We never became good friends. Just...friendly. And y'know what? It WAS cool. Turns out, it was the RIGHT action to take, and their reaction was a very cool thing. And we never had any problems after that.
In fact, Tara once suggested I sing lead in one of our plays because she said she had heard me singing when I thought noone was around and she said I was good! That was a huge compliment, especially since that was back when I wasn't sure how good my voice was. I know better now. God has given me that talent, and I'm glad (I love to sing!) But back then...well, anyhow, so it turned out cool. Trish even wrote in my yearbook...something to the effect of me teaching her about respect? Yeah, something along those lines.
So, that actually doesn't usually come to mind a lot. Mostly thinking of them I picture them doing something crazy onstage during rehearsals (typical of them), not the negative stuff. But there's that dream I mentioned...wierd. Not that the dream itself was very wierd...a little, yeah, but not much. I actually can't even remember most of it. I was standing at a soda fountain talking to Tara, and Trish said something muffled behind me. I turned and asked her "What? You're going to have a baby?" all excited-like, and she looked at me funny and said "Uh, yeah. I guess." and they walked away. That's all that I remember about the dream. So, Trish and Tara...if you ever stumble across this blog, I hope this makes sense to you, cause it sure doesn't to me!
What it did do, however, is remind me of the not-so-friendly times. *sigh* I am an optimist, and probably what you'd call a selective-amnesia-optimist. I deliberately choose to remember good things more than bad, so this memory is an unwelcome one. Especially since it was resolved long ago.
Well, I have more thoughts and plenty more time. But this being my first time blogging, I don't really know how long is TOO long of a post. So I think I'll end this one right here, and start again on a new one with my other high school thoughts.